Catastrophe
by Kryten
Summary: Things get hairy after a transporter experiment goes awry. OH MY GOD, IT'S AN ACTUAL UPDATE!
1. Things Get Hairy

_Cat_astrophe

_Author's note: This fic was inspired by FemJesse's drawing, located at _

Chapter 1: Things Get Hairy

It was a typical day for Planet Express. Hermes was droning on about something, Everyone else was catching up on their sleep.

Amy dozed quietly in her seat, occasionally drifting back to consciousness. She at least had a good excuse… finals week had just ended. Eight long days of studying, being tested, and drinking way too much coffee had come to an end, and her energy was pretty much gone.

"...which falls under your responsibility… WAKE UP, woman! Dere'll be time for sleepin' when da Professor is talkin'!"

She snapped back to awareness. "Uh, sorry, Hermes."

"_As I was sayin', _now that you're on your summer break, we'll be givin' you more duties. You'll be the alternate whenever Bender is celebratin' one of his fake holidays, indicted, or otherwise unavailable. In addition, you're now in charge of maintenance around here. Any time Fry breaks somet'in while doin' somet'in stupid, it's your job to repair it!

"Hey, how come you singled me out? How do you know it wasn't Leela who broke the coffee machine because I wanted to see if I could make cappuccino by adding a hundred Alka-Seltzer tablets?"

"And finally, it's your responsibility to keep Zoid-jerk from eatin' the furniture."

"So the one time I ate the throw pillows. They were so ugly, you should only thank me why not!"

"So… does this mean I get a raise?"

"HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! Oh, dat was priceless. Never lose your sense of humor. Now get back to work, all of ya lazy slackers! I'll be in me office, alphabetizin' me dictionary."

The meeting broke up. Fry took up his usual position on the couch, remote in hand. Leela began thumbing through her magazine, "Boot World", or something…

"Welp, I'm gonna go start lunch. I got somethin' special today," Bender said, holding up a small, squirming bag.

"Whatcha got, Bender?" Fry said, looking up from the TV.

"Only the best. Sure, you c'n get it cheap dried or frozen, but to make Bendersadillas the RIGHT way, ya gotta strangle yerself a FRESH kitten!"

Amy stared in horror as Bender pulled a kitten out of the sack. "You leave that poor defenseless creature alone!" she said, snatching the little ball of tawny fluff away from the misanthropic robot. Stroking the kitten, she whispered "Don't worry… the mean ol' robot can't hurt you now! How'd you like to go home with me?" The kitten purred her approval. "I think I'll call you Fluffy. Or Miss Kitty Magnifico. Or something…"

"Whatever. I can't make Bendersadillas, but I can still cook up some Benderchiladas. I'm gonna go empty out the owl traps."

Amy plopped herself down on the cough with Miss Kitty. "He was going to cook the poor thing! Can you imagine?"

Leela scowled. "What do you expect? His favorite sport is 'puppy tennis.'" 

"Well, here's one cute little creature he'll never get his hands on."

"She IS awfully cute." Leela said, smiling. 

Fry grinned. "Yeah. She kinda reminds me of that little kitten Bender made lunch out of yesterday."

Leela seemed to turn green. "Excuse me." She ran for the bathroom.

"Are you hungry, Miss Kitty? I think there's some milk in the kitchen." She carried the tiny creature out of   the lounge and began rummaging around in the fridge. What did kittens eat, anyway? She'd been more of a horse girl growing up… though she'd always wanted a cat. Unfortunately, 'til now, her mom's allergies had prevented her from getting one.

"Well, I'm a grown woman now, and if I want a kitten, I can have one if I spl'amn well want one!" she proclaimed to no one in particular.

She was just serving Miss Kitty a saucer of milk and some tuna – cats like tuna, right? – when Professor Farnsworth wandered in, looking dazed as usual.

"Oh, hi, Professor."

"Eh, huh, wha? Who the devil are you supposed to be? I've never seen you before! Now where's Amy, I need her!"

"Skr'eesh… _I'm Amy."_

"Oh! Oh yes! Of course! Now go get Amy, and tell her to meet me in the lab in five minutes!"

Sighing and rolling her eyes, Amy followed. 

"Stay here, Miss Kitty. I'll be right back, I promise."

"Behold… my a matter-transporter!"

"Don't they already have those?"

"Oh my, yes, but mine is completely different! Using the latest technology, I have devised a method of instantaneous transport! I've completely eliminated that dangerous three-second delay! And I've managed to achieve a range of nearly thirty feet!"

"That's not really that impressive."

"It is at six in the morning. You see, thirty feet is the distance from my bedroom to my bathroom.  No longer will I have to make that potentially embarrassing twenty-minute trek every morning!"

"Ewww."

"But first, I must test it on a human subject. And, since according to federal regulations, I'm only allowed to test things on interns, you're elected."

"But…"

"Ehheh, in you go!"

Groaning, Amy stepped into the circular booth. As the door slid shut, she heard a soft noise… a sort of "meow"-ish noise… she looked down…

_Miss Kitty? Ai ya, she must have followed me into the lab without my noticing!_ "No! Bad kitty! Out!" 

But it was too late. The door had shut.

She banged on the plexiglass door. "Professor, stop the test! My cat's in here! Something could go wrong!"

"Ehwah? Start the test? Okay then. "

"No, _stop_ the test! _Stop_ the…"

He hit the button.

"You might feel a slight tingling sensation, possibly followed by unbearable agony."

The universe seemed to dissolve before her eyes. Then blackness. It lasted a fraction of a second. It felt like forever.

And then… the world came back into focus.

She was in a similar tube, on the other side of the lab. All her major body parts seemed intact.

"Oh dear, it worked. I was quite certain you would die horrib- eh, I mean, good news, someone! The test was a success!"

Amy stumbled out of the tube as it opened. Something was wrong. Something….

Miss Kitty. Where in fl'ell was she? 

"Professor, my kitten was in there with me! What happened to her? I don't see her!"

"Hmm… if something else was in there with you, you would have merged together to form some sort of freakish monst- eh, but that's not important. From the trace amounts of feline DNA I'm detecting, it seems your pet has shuffled off the mortal coil."

"She's… dead?"

"Yes, you idiot! But you can rest assured knowing that she gave her life to insure dry carpets for all!"

"Ugh… I can't believe you… you… I'm outta here!"

And with that, she stormed out of the lab.

"Eh, off you go, apparently…"

She was three steps out the door when the first dizzy spell hit. The second one struck when she got back to the lounge.

"You don't look so good, Amy", Zoidberg said. "Perhaps a look at you I should take?"

"Dibs on the corpse when you're done," leaned in Bender.

"I'm just gonna go home. It's almost quitting time anyway…"

The dizziness was getting more pronounced now. Driving wasn't an option… she had to take the tubes.

"Croesus Towers."

The tube shot her uptown and deposited her in front of her building. She took the hovervator up, stumbled to her apartment, and collapsed on the bed.

She awoke around 2 in the morning. The covers felt stifling. She kicked them aside and adjusted the air-conditioning to a cooler level. Still too hot. She stripped entirely and curled up on top of the sheets, _au naturel_.

Two hours of uncomfortable sleep later, she got up again. The cooler air wasn't working. Maybe some warm milk….

She crawled out of bed and headed for the kitchen, her tail swishing back and forth behind her. She got out the milk, which slipped out of her fingers and spilled all over the floor. 

"Fl'oops. Oh well, better clean it up." She got down on all fours and began to lap it up.

_Wait a minute. Something's very wrong here._

She checked herself. Fur… claws… tail…

_"Hmm… if something else was in there with you, you would have merged together to form some sort of freakish monst- eh, but that's not important."_

_Oh no._

_Dare I look in the mirror?_

Trembling, she flicked on the lights in the bathroom. She stared at her reflection…

Her face and body were covered in cream-colored fur, with a swath of white around her mouth and down her throat, chest, and belly. Her ankles were angled so that she walked on her toes, which, along with her fingers, had developed retractable claws. A long prehensile tail had sprouted at the base of her spine. Her eyes were now a luminous green, with vertical slits for pupils. Her ears had migrated to the top of her head, sticking ridiculously out of her black hair, and were tapered to a point; her nose was cold, wet, and bright pink, and her teeth were sharp and fang-y. 

In short… Amy Wong was now half-human, half-cat.

The folks downstairs heard the loudest "Ai ya!" on record, followed by a thud as she fainted dead away.


	2. Cat on a Cold Linoleum Floor

Catastrophe  
  
Chapter 2: Cat on a Cold Linoleum Floor  
  
6:00 AM  
  
Okay, don't panic. Maybe this is all a dream, and when I wake up I'll be...  
  
She opened her eyes.  
  
Nope. Still a cat.  
  
Okay, okay... obviously, my current condition is the result of the teleporter experiment. My genes must've combined with Miss Kitty's, and transformed me into...  
  
...well...  
  
I guess the official term is "freak".  
  
She took a quick inventory. Obviously, she was still intelligent and capable of higher reasoning. She could still walk erect, and still had opposable thumbs. So it wasn't hopeless...  
  
...unless I de-evolve further...  
  
No. Don't even think that. Professor Farnsworth did this to you, so he can probably undo this somehow. You won't be a freak for long.  
  
So... I need to get back to the office. But first things first.  
  
Amy pulled on a pair of sweats, taking care to cut a hole for her tail. There. It would probably be hot and uncomfortable, but wearing clothing made her feel more human. Shoes were out of the question, though... they wouldn't fit on her new feet.  
  
She checked the mirror. Hmmm... not too bad. She could probably pass for a Fellurian (like her downstairs neighbor, Fluffers). Hell... once she went downstairs, she wouldn't be even CLOSE to the strangest thing on the street.  
  
Yeah, just a quick tube ride to PE, and everything would be fixed, and she could get on with her life.  
  
The tube ride to PE was uneventful. She popped out about a block from PE. It was still early, and it looked as if she'd have a clear run towards the building.  
  
She put her hood up and broke into a run. Moments later (wow, I'm pretty fast), and she was at the door fumbling for her keys. Which, she now remembered, were on a hook in the kitchen back home.  
  
She muttered a Chinese curse to herself. Of course. Why would something go right for me?  
  
She spend the next twenty minutes looking for an alternate way in. Finally, she located an open window on the second floor. Now, the question was how to get up there...  
  
Ah, what the hell. She jumped for it.  
  
And made it.  
  
Wow.  
  
She wriggled through the window and dropped down on all fours, surprised at how comfortable it felt.  
  
Don't get used to it. You'll be back to normal before you know it.  
  
She got to her feet again and tiptoed downstairs, not noticing the shadow behind her...  
  
...until the shadow's owner pounced on her.  
  
Amy ducked instinctively as the small creature sailed over her and smacked into the wall. It turned and advanced on her, salivating.  
  
"Nibbler, wait! It's me, Amy! See? Who else has hair like this?" Ugh, it sounds like I have a bad case of laryngitis.  
  
Nibbler sniffed... then came at her again. Amy leapt out of the way, landing clear across the room. Again, wow. I'm actually landing on my feet instead of my face. She whirled and faced Nibbler, unsheathing her claws.  
  
"Okay, that's how you wanna do this? Well, I'm not on the menu. So if you want me... you're gonna have to fight me!"  
  
That's when Nibbler leapt up and clamped on to her forearm with his jaw.  
  
"OW! Hey, I was kidding! Leggo!" She tried to pry the little monster off, stumbling over the couch and landing on her back on the coffee table. "Get off, you little..."  
  
"Nibbler! What is it? Did you catch a burglar?"  
  
Oh, fudd. Leela came early today.  
  
"Well, don't eat him, I have enough forms to fill out as i-"  
  
Amy looked up. Leela was staring down at her, her jaw somewhere on the way to the floor.  
  
"Um... hi, Leela. Could you, like, tell Nibbler I'm not food?"  
  
Okay, this is exactly what I didn't want to happen.  
  
Amy sat on the examination table as Zoidberg ran a variety of medical- looking devices over her body. The rest of the Planet Express crew, minus Fry and Bender who were late as usual, stood around, staring.  
  
"Well, it seems you're in perfect health, at least according to this electric toothbrush."  
  
"Hey, don't drag ME into this!" the toothbrush retorted. "All I said was, she looks okay. It's not, like, a professional opinion or anything. I mean, I'm a freakin' toothbrush."  
  
"So, in conclusion, nothing is wrong with you, you crazy hypochondriac. Now stop wasting my t-Aw, who am I kidding. I have no LIFE!!" he sobbed.  
  
"Look again," Amy said. "Haven't you noticed that I'm... oh, I don't know... entirely covered in fur?"  
  
"Oh, that's normal in humans. But it seems that... I'm sorry, I didn't want to embarrass everyone... all the rest of you have a horrible case of mange. And it seems you've all lost your tails in freak revolving door accidents."  
  
"That'll be enough from you, my stupid friend. Allow me." The Professor hobbled over to the examining table. "Now, it seems that Amy has fallen victim to the Cronenberg effect."  
  
"What's that?" asked Leela.  
  
"It's quite simple, really. You see, any time two different life forms are sent through a teleporter at the same time, they will wind up fusing to form a disgusting monstrous freak. Eh, no offense."  
  
"Is there a cure, Professor?"  
  
"Oh, my, of course, by which I mean I have no idea. But rest assured I will work day and night to find a cure for incontinence!"  
  
"What about a cure for my turning into a cat-thing?"  
  
"Eh, wha? You're a cat?"  
  
"Sek si lun tao..."  
  
Just then, Fry and Bender finally showed up.  
  
"Sorry we're late, but I couldn't find my list of excus-" Fry trailed off, staring.  
  
"Neat!" Bender said, snapping a picture.  
  
"I'd say 'Take a picture, it'll last longer', but you just did."  
  
Fry scratched his head. "What happened to you, Amy? Did you get kidnapped by evil monks from another galaxy who worship kittens and wanted a new vessel for their fiendish goddess? 'Cause that explanation doesn't make any sense at all!"  
  
"No, Fry. I got my DNA crossed with my pet kitten's."  
  
"Oh. Well, yeah, that happens all the time, right, Zoidberg?"  
  
"Sure, I see it all the time. For example, look at that human over there. He's obviously been crossed with some sort of horrible combination of a crab and a squid."  
  
Leela smirked. "That's your reflection."  
  
"So it is. Oh, I'm so UGLY!" Zoidberg sobbed.  
  
Hermes cleared his throat.  
  
"Sweet kitty of Oklahoma City!"  
  
Leela sighed. "Your exclamation's about an hour late, Hermes."  
  
"I know. It took me dat long to t'ink it up. I started tryin' to find rhymes for 'cat', but it just didn't have de right rhythm, den I tried 'feline', but dere aren't any places dat rhyme wit' it, den..."  
  
"Scruffy ain't interested in the creative process." The janitor went back to his copy of "Exotic Hooters".  
  
"Anyway... ya still got your thumbs, woman, so get you n' you back ta work!"  
  
After several hours of work on the ship, Amy had to admit something to herself: there were definite advantages to her new form.  
  
For one, she was now much less clumsy. Whereas before, Amy had had all the grace of a drunk water buffalo, now she literally had catlike reflexes and the kind of agility that would make an Olympic gymnast jealous.  
  
And the tail....  
  
How did I ever get by without one of these?  
  
It had so many uses... she could use it to hold spare tools, hit buttons and switches that she couldn't reach otherwise, and flying a stick-shift would never be a problem again.  
  
They should issue these things to engineers. They're too useful NOT to have.  
  
But then again... it could get caught in a revolving door or something. And that wouldn't be fun.  
  
Still... when the Professor cured her, if she missed anything about being a cat, it'd be the tail.  
  
Eventually, quitting time rolled around. Amy hopped down from the gun turret, where she'd been working, landing lightly on her feet. "And Wong nails the dismount! And the crowd goes wild!"  
  
Leela smirked. "You're having fun."  
  
"Well, g'uh... I might as well. I mean, I'll be normal again soon, so why mope about it?"  
  
"I know I wouldn't mind being another species. Unless it's a lobster." said Fry  
  
"Oy. Again with the Zoidberg-bashing. "  
  
"Ya make it easy, crabmeat," Bender said, leaning into the conversation.  
  
Just then, the Professor entered.  
  
"Good news, whoever you are! I've found a cure!"  
  
"Great! What's the cure?"  
  
"Oh, there's no cure."  
  
"But you just said..."  
  
"You see, you don't have human DNA or feline DNA.... rather, the teleport chamber has actually constructed a completely new genome that combines traits of both species! You, Amy, are the first and only member of a species I call homo felis, or 'The Farnsworth Cat-Monster.'"  
  
"I'm a new species?"  
  
"Yes, dammit, now leave me alone! I'm late for my anger-management class!"  
  
As he hobbled off, Amy took it in. No cure. I'm going to be stuck this way for the rest of my life. And I'll be the only one of my kind.  
  
I wonder if this is what it was like for her, she thought, glancing up at Leela.  
  
Hermes put a hand on her shoulder. "Don't worry, Amy. You take all de time y' need t' adjust. And 'can use dat time t'fill out dese forms." With that, he dropped a pile of papers in her lap. "Dis be ya' standard Application for Recognition as an Intelligent Life Form. Fill it out in septuplicate and submit it t'the Central Beaurocracy. Once it's processed, you'll be recognized as a sentient being with all the rights and privileges of any other Earthican citizen or legal resident."  
  
"But... what happens until then?"  
  
"Until then, you have the status of... 'pet.'"  
  
"WHAT?!?!"  
  
"And, as a pet, you need to get all de right shots, wear a collar, and you won't be permitted to live on your own. You'll need to move in with a human, robot, or other recognized intelligent being." A beat. "I t'ink we can waive de mandatory spaying."  
  
"I hope so!" Amy growled indignantly. "How long is this gonna take, anyway?"  
  
"Let me put it dis way... I'd be lookin' inta long-term kennel rental."  
  
Question #17: Complete the following phrase: "I think, therefore I _____"  
  
banana 7 am Flint, Michigan  
  
"This is absolutely ridiculous! Shouldn't the fact that I can read and fill out this form PROVE that I'm intelligent?"  
  
"Nah," retorted Bender. "Lotsa unintelligent creatures know how t'read an' write. Like Fry."  
  
"Yeah, like m- Hey! I'm intelligent! I passed the same test Amy's taking! And it only took me eight tries!"  
  
Question #22: You see food located in a place you can't reach. What do you do?  
  
Starve to death Ram your head into the wall in an attempt to knock it loose Form a crude tool out of sticks Order a pizza  
  
She sighed. Only 178 more questions to go...  
  
3 days later  
  
"It was really nice of you guys to wait on line with me."  
  
They were just leaving the Central Beaurocracy now, having waited in line for 66 hours to drop off Amy's papers.  
  
"Hey, that's what friends are for, right?" said Fry.  
  
"So, I'll get my papers back soon, right?  
  
"Oh, I don' t'ink so, woman. You n' you'll be lucky if it's only a month."  
  
"I'll be a pet for a month? What am I gonna do? I can't crash at Planet Express forever..."  
  
"Hey, I got a great idea!" said Fry. "You could move in with me!"  
  
Leela frowned. "I don't think that's such a good idea, Fry. Maybe she'd be better off at my place."  
  
"You barely have enough room for yourself and Nibbler. There's plenty of space in my apartment."  
  
"But..."  
  
"Thanks, Fry! You're terrific!" she purred, hugging him tightly.  
  
"My pleasure, really," he replied, trying to resist the urge to scratch her behind the ears, but finally giving in. She didn't seem to mind... the action made her purr even louder..  
  
Neither of them saw the dirty look Leela gave them... 


	3. CATFIGHT!

Catastrophe  
  
Chapter 3: CATFIGHT!  
  
"I am NOT sleeping in that," Amy said, looking down disdainfully at the large basket that Fry had laid on the floor of his apartment.  
  
"Aw, come on, Amy! I spent five hundred bucks on it! That's like, three months' pay!"  
  
"Look, Fry, I know you mean w- $500.00? Really?"  
  
"Yeah, this is the model people use for pet tigers. They're really, really expensive."  
  
"Well... couldn't you just return it tomorrow, get your money back?"  
  
"No way, these people don't take returns. I'm stuck with it. Look... one night. That's all I ask, okay? Then I wouldn't feel like I threw away my money."  
  
Amy sighed. "Fine... I'll sleep in it tonight, if it'll make you happy. But after that, I'm moving to the couch."  
  
It had been five days since the big change. Amy was beginning to adapt to her new form, which, she found, came with both advantages and disadvantages. She was stronger and faster than any known human, and her senses were much sharper. The claws and tail were also pretty handy.  
  
But she'd also gained an all-over fur coat, which a) could get pretty warm and uncomfortable, and b) and much worse, attracted fleas, ticks, and other annoying little biting things. Like Nibbler.  
  
Worse than that, Amy's personality had developed some distinctly catlike quirks, like an irrational fear of water, a constant craving for seafood (Dr. Zoidberg had started looking at her suspiciously every time they were in the same room. Like he was afraid she'd try to eat him. As though.), and a need to constantly sharpen her claws on things.  
  
Her parents had taken her change surprisingly well. All they cared about was that she could still have children. In fact, they'd found a whole new way to annoy her, now that they could set her up with losers of two different species.  
  
Speaking of which... her cell-phone was ringing.  
  
"Hello? Mom? Yeah, I'm okay. Fry's putting me up until my forms clear... no, mom, he's NOT going to father your grandkittens... Uh huh... uh huh... no, mom, I don't want to meet Mrs. Sanchez's Persian... yes, I know he's got a wonderful pedigree and everything, but I'm, like, 20 times his size! And intelligent! I WANT my kids to have thumbs and walk ere- no, that doesn't mean I'm planning to have any right no-yes, mom, I know twenty years is a long time, but once they're up, you'll have more grandkids than you know what to do wit-Mom? Mom, I'm hanging up now. I have to go. Fry needs me to move furniture."  
  
"No I don't."  
  
"...want to do it by yourself. Right. Okay. Bye, mom. Bye. I'm hanging up. Bye.  
  
*click*  
  
"Ai ya, she's so annoying!"  
  
"Hey, at least she's okay with you changing species. My dad'd probably kick me out of the house for being a commie experiment. He was always going on about secret experiments that turned men into animals. Then he'd have his eighth beer and pass out, and everything would be fine. God, I miss him sometimes," he said with a wistful sigh. "  
  
"I guess the only thing worse than having parents is not having them."  
  
"Hey, what're you poop factories yammerin' about? 'Zis about those "feelings" that you have? When are you gonna learn that emotions're just one more way that you're inferior t'machines?"  
  
Amy groaned. "Hey, Bender."  
  
"Hey, Amy. Cough up any good hairballs lately?" The robot laughed as though he had just said the funniest thing ever said in the history of the universe. To himself, it probably was. For someone who claimed to have no emotions, he sure had a healthy ego. The sad thing was, she had coughed up a hairball today. Yet another tile in the mosaic of being a freak of science.  
  
"Leave her alone, Bender. She's having a tough time."  
  
"Jeez, Fry... ya won't let me cook her, ya won't let me use 'er as a pack mule, ya won't let me make her fight other animals for cash, and now I can't even insult her constantly... what's the point o' keepin' her around?"  
  
"She's a friend, and she needs a place to stay. I mean, you did the same thing for me, right?"  
  
"Yeah, but you're useful, for fakin' fingerprints an' things! She don't even have fingerprints anymore! And she sheds!"  
  
"I DO NOT!" hissed Amy.  
  
"Calm down," Fry said. "Look... we've got a lot to do today. I wanna be less than an hour late for once."  
  
***  
  
The tube between the Robot Arms and PE was down for extended maintenance, so Fry and Amy had to walk to work. So far, no one was staring...  
  
...no one, that is, except the one person who could cause them trouble.  
  
The stern-looking brunette went down the checklist she carried, checking off violations as she went.  
  
"Walking upright... not wearing a bell... he's not carrying a pooper- scooper... oh yes, mustn't forget that."  
  
She paused, as if remembering something...  
  
"Oh, I almost forgot... Form 23847B, subform 782.13: Notification of intention to seek vengeance on an ex-lover for ruining your career." She filled out the form quickly, stamping it the requisite five times, then dropping it in the nearest Bureaumat.  
  
A cruel smile formed on Morgan Proctor's face. "I'm going to make your life as much of a hell as regulations allow me under paragraph 87692.458D, Philip J. Fry."  
  
***  
  
Leela drummed her fingers on the conference table. Fry was late yet again.  
  
Probably giving Amy a private sponge bath, she thought ruefully.  
  
No, that wasn't fair. Fry had simply opened his home to someone in need. Which was a good thing, right? A responsible thing. The kind of thing that she was always criticizing him for not doing. And it wasn't like Amy had any romantic interest in Fry anymore...  
  
...except that she practically made love to him right in the middle of the lounge when he made the offer...  
  
That wasn't fair either. Amy was just being overly friendly because of her new animal tendencies. Cats are very touchy-feely, right?  
  
Yeah, she sure was touchy and feely last night. Little furry slut...  
  
What is WRONG with me? Why am I so jealous? It's not like I have the slightest bit of romantic interest in Fry... right?  
  
Right?  
  
Leela's reverie was interrupted by the arrival of the two in question. She submerged her frustrations deep within herself and summoned up an air of cordiality.  
  
"So... how's the arrangement working so far?"  
  
"It's great! Fry's been really considerate and attentive."  
  
Yeah, I bet he has. Especially with you prancing around with those furry yabbos in his face...  
  
"That's good to hear. So, you know what day it is, right?" Oh, I've been waiting for this.  
  
"Yep. Combat practice day."  
  
As in, the day I continue my streak of completely humiliating you.  
  
"Right. Suit up and I'll meet you in the exercise room."  
  
***  
  
Now, they faced each other in the ring. Bender was taking bets, as usual...  
  
"All right, I'm givin' 10-1 odds against Amy. Who's got a wager? C'mon, it's a sure thing. Takin' all bets here."  
  
"Friend Bender, I would like to bet this small piece of lint I found in the dryer."  
  
"Lint? What the hell am I supposed t'do with this, scampi-breath?"  
  
"Well, I was going to make a nice pot of soup with it, but today I'm feeling lucky!"  
  
Scruffy rang the bell, starting the first round. "Shake hands, n' come out fightin'."  
  
Leela went for a headlock, but found herself grabbing nothing but air as Amy nimbly ducked her grab and in one fluid movement, swept Leela's feet out from under her with a swift kick. Leela hit the canvas, hard.  
  
"Ooh, I knocked her down! Blitchin'!"  
  
Leela quickly got back to her feet. Better play this a lot more carefully. She's faster than I thought.  
  
The two circled each other, looking for an opening. Finally, Leela made her move, feinting right, then tackling Amy's left side. Soon, she had her in an upside-down headlock....  
  
"Nice job, Amy. You actually put up a fight this time. I'm impre-  
  
She couldn't finish the sentence, because something long, thin, and furry had wrapped itself around her throat and started squeezing.  
  
Aw, crap... I forgot about her tail!  
  
Leela lost her grip on Amy, who quickly released her tail, wrapped her legs around Leela's neck, and flipped her across the ring.  
  
Okay, this has stopped being fun. She's kicking my butt here. I can't believe that getting fused with a kitten could amp her by this much!  
  
She slowly got to her feet, and began circling Amy again. The felinoid was smiling, enjoying the thrill of the hunt. Suddenly, she unfurled a claw and made three quick slashes on Leela's leotard, cutting out a triangular- shaped flap.  
  
"What the..."  
  
"Uh... that's supposed to be an 'A'. I'm taunting you. But, A's are kinda hard to slash into things like clothing. Maybe I should've gone with a 'W... Sorry, I'm just not very good at this!"  
  
Leela snarled. "Nobody defaces my leotards! NOBODY!"  
  
She lunged.  
  
How she ended up on the floor, pinned, was anyone's guess.  
  
"One... two... three." Scruffy rang the bell, ending the match. "Scruffy says the winner are Amy."  
  
"My lint! My precious lint! Gone forever it is!" wailed Zoidberg.  
  
"Looks like your winning streak's over, Leela."  
  
You smug little... I oughtta... Leela fought her impulse to strangle the girl and instead extended her hand. "Good match, Amy."  
  
"Thanks. Hey, better luck next week, right?"  
  
"Right... next week."  
  
***  
  
She took that pretty well, thought Fry as he departed for his usual 150- minute lunch hour.  
  
Where to go today... the Imskian place? Nah. The food there was pretty good, but the portions were literally microscopic. Bismollian? He didn't really feel like having rocks in magma sauce today. Soylent King? No way, he always felt uncomfortable about eating burgers that he might've known personally.  
  
He was still debating it by the time he got to Lexingtron Avenue. As he waited for the light to change, he heard a familiar voice.  
  
"Ah, Mr. Fry. How convenient. I was going to meet with you at work, but now that we're both here, I can shave nearly five minutes of travel time off my schedule, leaving me ample time to harangue and threaten you."  
  
"Morgan?"  
  
"Yes, Fry. Now, if you would please sign and initial this Harassment Consent form, we can continue."  
  
"Oh, sure, hold on," Fry mumbled while pulling out his pen. "Hey... wait a minute. Bender warned me to never sign anything without reading it unless it came from him! So you'd better tell me what this is about right now, because I really don't wanna read this!"  
  
"Very well. As you know, in the wake of our affair, I was demoted to Grade 20."  
  
"Yeah, how's that working out?"  
  
"Not very good. In the bureaucracy, once your career's on a downward trend, it stays on a downward trend. I am currently Class 67 and falling."  
  
"Harsh."  
  
"Indeed. Which brings me to our present discussion. My current assignment is to the Bureau of Pets. Which means I directly control the fate of your feline roommate. Do you recognize this?" She pulled out a sheaf of papers.  
  
"Yeah... isn't that the application-thingy that Amy had to fill out to be a person again?"  
  
"The very same. Now, it can be processed quickly... or agonizingly slowly. Or it can be lost completely"  
  
"Wait a minute... You're trying to...!"  
  
"Blackmail you, yes."  
  
"I was gonna say 'come on to me', but yours sounds better."  
  
"If you want things to go smoothly, you will pay me five hundred dollars."  
  
"Five HUNDRED? I don't have that kind of money!"  
  
"I know. That's precisely why I chose it. I really want to make your life miserable, Fr-" She stopped, staring oddly at his shirt. "Is that marinara sauce on your shirt?"  
  
"Yeah, I picked this shirt out because the stain matches my jacket. I have one with sauce and blue raspberry jam, but I haven't been able to chisel it off the floor."  
  
'I, um... I see..." she stammered, pulling at her collar. "Er... we'll be in touch. It's a bit too hot right now."  
  
"It's forty degrees!"  
  
"Yes, well, I just came back from Pluto. I'll see you naked-LATER. I'll see you later." And with that she jumped into the nearest tube.  
  
Why do I KNOW that this is going to get worse?  
  
***  
  
As the day wore on, Leela found herself calming down.  
  
"So what if she humiliated me? It's just the one time, right? She was probably due, right? And it's not like it's going to go past these walls, right?"  
  
So she had convinced herself by the time the workday ended.  
  
***  
  
"Captain's log. Stardate, um... now. Our victory against the Lazynoids of Couchpotato-11 is almost virtually completely 23% certain. My brilliant strategy of flinging bomb-carrying troops at their cities with giant rubber bands is not only proving extremely effective, but is providing us a huge savings on our electric bill."  
  
"Errm, Captain, we don't pay electric bills, sir."  
  
"Of course we don't, Kif, not with MY brilliant cost-cutting measures. Like replacing the crew's shower with a box of moist towellettes. It's brilliant thinking like that that's the difference between being the idle of millions and a lowly monkey-boy like yourself. Aren't you writing any of this down, monkey-boy?"  
  
"*groan* Can't you use the recorder built into your chair, sir?"  
  
"I already am, but the scratchy serenade of pencil on paper helps me to think. And if there's anything I'm all about, it's thinking. Which reminds me. It's about time for my brainstorming session. Kif, do a Google search for 'Erotic Leela pictures.' And then put your head next to the monitor. I'm going to need a mousepad."  
  
Each day another piece of my spirit dies, thought Kif as he went about his duties. The only thing that had kept him from putting a final end to his misery was... her.  
  
It was two years ago. He'd had it all planned. The moment the Titanic pulled back into Earthdock, he'd make a beeline for the nearest suicide booth.  
  
And then he'd met... her.  
  
It wasn't her physical appearance; by the standards of the Teralians of Amphibios-4, Amy Wong wasn't remotely attractive. Her skin was that drab caramel shade, her head was covered with that stringy stuff humans had, her body was rigid instead of squishy, and she had too many digits and one breast too few.  
  
No, it wasn't her looks. It was her spirit.  
  
Teraliens have a sixth sense that can perceive a person's... aura, some would call it. Kif had known from the first time he sense Amy's aura that she was the only one for him.  
  
So why hadn't she called in the last five days? Could he have somehow displeased her? He couldn't call her at work anymore; Leela had permanently had all incoming calls from the Nimbus blocked. He'd tried to call her at home, but there was no answer.  
  
What if... something horrible had happened?  
  
"Ah! Paydirt! I knew if I kept searching, one day I'd get some hits!"  
  
"Whoopee, sir."  
  
"Yes Kif. Whoopee. Whoopee, indeed. Let's check out this 'wwwwww.benderisgreat.com', shall we?"  
  
Kif winced as he felt Zapp click. Sometimes, not having a skull HURT.  
  
"Oh, my. When they say, 'erotic', they're not just whistling Dixietron. Excuse me while I print these out, after which I will retire to the lovenasium for some more intensive... brainstorming. Meet me in forty-five minutes. Bring some of those moist towelettes."  
  
Kif shuddered. Still, forty-five minutes without Zapp was forty-five minutes without Zapp. After the fatso had collected his printout and left, Kif headed out to enjoy his all-too brief moment of freedom...  
  
...but stopped when he saw just WHAT had captured his diseased imagination.  
  
It was, indeed, a picture of Leela, and it was indeed erotic, by Zapp's warped standards, anyway. Kif had never understood the appeal of watching females fight each other.  
  
But it was her opponent that caught Kif's attention. It was a female humanoid feline, but the hair was unmistakable. This creature was Amy somehow. Could this strange bestial metamorphosis be why she was avoiding him?  
  
***  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Fry and Amy were preparing to head back to the apartment.  
  
"So... you gonna call Kif tonight?"  
  
"Fry, I can't! Not looking like this, anyway!"  
  
"Meh. He loves you, I don't think he'd let something like a severe need for electrolysis get in the way of that."  
  
"You don't understand, Fry. Cats, or something a lot like them, are his species' natural predators. If he saw me, all he'd be able to see is a horrible monster that wants to eat him!"  
  
"Ohhhh... so it's one of those. Well, whenever you're ready. Anyway, let's- "  
  
"Hold up a Kingston second, woman! You n' you can't be leavin' now... ya gotta stay and clean the ship's ducts. Some walkin' crawdad jammed them up with herring intestines," bellowed Hermes.  
  
"Hey, you find a better place for them, you should, Mr. 'I'm smarter than the doctor.'"  
  
Amy groaned. "Guess I'm crashing here tonight, Fry. Have a good night." With that, the girl trudged off to her task. "On the plus side... free seafood."  
  
Ewww, though Fry as he tubed toward his apartment.  
  
***  
  
"Eight Simple Rules for Abducting and Probing My Teenage Daughter is brought to you by Lamprey's Insurance. If your host organism is lost, stolen, or damaged, we'll replace it for you. That's why smart parasites know: 'You're in good suckers with Lamprey's."  
  
Fry flipped the channel. Years of vegetating in front of the TV had given him an innate sense of when commercial breaks ended. He had just enough time, to run to the bathroom, then to the kitchen to get himself a can of Ortega's Chunky Garden-Style Beer, and get back to the couch.  
  
He got up to start his run when the doorbell rang. Can't be Bender, he'd just jimmy the lock, thought Fry. I wonder who...  
  
"Open up, Mr. Fry."  
  
Oh no. I knew there'd be problems.  
  
'Um... this isn't Fry! My name is Bender! Um... bite my shiny metal butt!"  
  
"Nice try, Philip. But everyone knows that Bender doesn't say 'butt', he says 'ass'. Now, let me in, or I'll make sure that application never clears."  
  
Reluctantly, Fry let the woman in.  
  
"See? We can be cooperative. Now, if we want to cooperate further, we'll hand over the five hundred dollars now, won't we?"  
  
"Um, sure." He checked his pockets. "Well, I'm fresh out. I guess you'll have to cover it."  
  
"Oh, okay I... ah, I see. I was using the bureaucratic 'we' and you used 'we' in the first-person plural sense in an attempt to trick me. Pronoun trouble. In bureaucratic circles, it's known as the Chuck Jones Maneuver. Uncharacteristically clever of you, Mr. Fry."  
  
"Look, I don't have five hundred dollars, okay? Maybe we can work something else out."  
  
Morgan advanced on Fry. "You have nothing I could possibly want, Phili-" Her nascent tirade was cut off prematurely short by a squishy sound.  
  
"What in the -- Mr. Fry, is this mold?"  
  
"It wasn't always. Funny story, really. It all started one day when me an' Bender were throwing cupcakes at each other for no reason..."  
  
She sniffed the air. "And what's that odor?"  
  
"Yeah, that would be Dirty Underwear Mountain over there. I was thinking of turning it into an end-table."  
  
She smiled lustily. "There's my dirty, dirty boy." Grabbing him, she threw him down on the bed. "You've been very, very filthy and smelly, haven't you? Filthy, disgusting, vile... Take me! Right here, right now!"  
  
"Hey, hold on a second! I'm not going through this again! For one thing, I'm in love with someone else. Also, you're crazy and evil."  
  
"Then how about this, Philip... you spend one night with me, doing whatever sick, depraved things I can think of, and in return, I'll push Ms. Wong's application through. You get part of your apartment back, I get a night of raunchy, degenerate carnal pleasure, and she gets to be treated like a person again. It's win-win-win! But decide quickly... my lust's starting to wear off."  
  
Oh, man, this is horrible. If I do it, I'll wreck my relationship with Leela. Okay, so it's not actually a relationship, it's more of a thing where I pine away for her while she ignores me, but it's something. If I don't do it, I'm condemning Amy to being treated like an animal for the rest of her life.  
  
If only I had some time to think about it!  
  
TO BE CONTINUED!!! 


	4. Claws for Alarm

Catastrophe 

Chapter 4: Claws for Alarm

Fry lay in bed, trying to convince himself that he hadn't done what he had just done.

_I did NOT just sleep with a woman in exchange for Amy's recognition as a species. I did NOT completely violate my love for Leela by trading my body for a favor. I did NOT do it another five times during the night. I did NOT smear myself __wi__-___

Well, you get the picture.

Sure, he'd rationalized it. He was only doing it for Amy, he'd told himself. It's completely meaningless, and there isn't the slightest bit of emotion involved, he'd told himself. It's not like my relationship with Leela was ever going to go anywhere, he'd told himself.

The fact of the matter was, he hadn't exactly been completely of pure heart tonight. He'd definitely enjoyed himself.

_Face it, Fry... for all the maturity you've supposedly gained, at heart, you're the same worthless slob you always were._

_Well... at least some good will come out of this..._

Morgan rolled over, lazily opening her eyes. "That was wonderful, Fry."

"Whatever." Fry replied, irritated with just about everything. "Just keep up your side of the bargain."

"Bargain?" axed Morgan in mock confusion. "What bargain are you talking about?"

"Don't play dumb with me, Morgan. I'm an expert at that. We had a deal. I spend the night with you doing whatever you want, and you get Amy's application processed so she can be treated like a person again!"

"You're right, Fry. That _was_ the deal. Too bad I just changed my mind."

"What? You promised!"

"Yes... well, I lied."

"You... bitch!"

"Well, I've had fun," she said, sliding out of bed. "I've had a night of pure carnal pleasure, made _you _compromise yourself, and left you with nothing to show for it. I'd say that my revenge is complete, wouldn't you?"

"Get the hell out of my apartment."

Ignoring his anger, Morgan leisurely got dressed. "Oh, and, in case you're planning to go over my head... I have pictures. Embarrassing ones that will mysteriously wind up in that Cyclops woman's e-mail box." And with that, she strolled out the door.

_Damn, _thought Fry. _I am boned beyond any who have been boned before._

***

"How on EARTH did you manage to pull this off?" groused Leela, as she carefully pried Amy's tail out of the exhaust vent."

"Hey, keeping track of this thing's tough sometimes!" retorted Amy. "I bet if _you _had a tail, you'd be getting it stuck in all kinds of things and junk! But since you don't, you're hardly in a position to judge me!"

"My mom has a tail," mumbled Leela.

"Well, then, I mean, j'uh! You should be all sympathetic and stuff!"

"Maybe you should just go home before you screw anything else up."

"Well, maybe I should! ...except that you'd have to walk me."

'WHAT?!"

"I'm a pet, remember? I can't be on the streets by myself without a leash and a collar. But I guess I could risk it... I bet Fry's all lonely and things."

Leela's eye narrowed in irritation. "Fine. Stay here. Whatever. I'm going to go check the delivery schedule for tomorrow."

_And make one little adjustment..._

***

Morning arrived at Planet Express, bringing with it a light drizzle and a breeze coming in from the East, making walking an unpleasant task. Leela slowly pulled her Urectum-12 Coupe into her spot, glad that her final payment had cleared.

She chuckled over the "special" delivery she'd added to the schedule. _I can't wait to see the look on Amy's face when... nah, don't gloat before it happens._

As usual, she was one of the first ones there. Well, other than the Professor, who was always there... and Hermes, who came in every day at 4:20 AM for some reason... and Zoidberg, who was currently living in the dryer in the laundry room... and Amy had slept over last night...

...well, she was here before Fry and Bender, at least.

Surprisingly, Fry showed up a mere five minutes late, looking like he hadn't gotten any sleep all night (which he hadn't).

"Good morning, Fry..." she said.

"No I didn't!" retorted Fry. "And you can't prove it!"

"Uh... right. Bender called in malfunctioning today, so Amy's going with us. Go find her, okay?" _Actually, I slipped him 20 bucks to fake a malfunction, but nobody has to know that._

"Right... Amy. Right," he said, looking around nervously as if he was worried he'd be caught any second. He scurried off looking for her.

_I wonder what's got him all flustered, _Leela mused, before returning to pre-flight prep.

***

"Engines?"

"At 100% of capacity."

"Shields?"

"Brooke level and holding."

"Funny little glow-in-the-dark buttons?"

"Blinking on and off randomly."

"OK... let's get going!"

The Planet Express ship lifted off from its hangar, Leela at the helm. Amy had taken Bender's usual seat at communications, though she was somewhat more conscientious about doing her job than Bender was.

"So, what's our first stop, Leela?" she asked brightly.

"Sirius Prime. Now, they have a serious taboo against humans setting foot on their planet, so you're going to have to make the delivery alone, being different enough to pass as something else."

"What about you, Leela?" axed Fry.  "I mean, you're pretty different yourself, what with the hair."

"Well... I'm not different enough. Sorry. I don't make the rules."

***

The trip was uneventful up through the final approach and landing on Sirius Prime.

"Okay... here we are... it's all up to you now, Amy."

Amy loaded the crate onto the hover-dolly and headed out the hatchway towards the city in the distance.

After a long walk, she finally made it to the city limits. It just may have been the strangest city she'd ever seen.

_What's with all the fire hydrants?_

_Why is there a butcher shop on every corner?_

_What's with the "bone" motif in the architecture?_

_Why does everything here smell like liver?_

These and other questions swam around her head as she reached her final destination: 505 Canis Familiarus Boulevard. _And what's with the crazy street names?_

She rang the doorbell, then waited for the door to open.

"Planet Express! I have a delivery for Mr. ... Bowser?"

Her response was nothing but a low growl.

She looked up...

_"Ai ya!"___

What stared down at her looked like a small mountain that someone had attached a bulldog head to. That bulldog head was staring down at her, foaming at the mouth. Three others were right behind it.

_Zhen dao mei..._

The lead mountain growled "Well, well, well... look what the cat dragged in."

The one to his left grinned – more of a snarl, actually – and said "Guess _we _get ta drag the _cat_ in!"

The four dog men closed in...

***

_Bender would appreciate this, _thought Leela. _He always did love a good prank._

It had been an hour. By now Amy had discovered this planet's little "surprise". 

Echoing Leela's thoughts, Fry remarked "Wow, it's been a while."

"Uh huh," nodded Leela. "They, uh, have lots of paperwork. It's like Hermesworld."

"Oh, yeah... I hope we never have to go _there_ again. They make you fill out a form to breathe! So... what was in the box, anyway?"

"Milk bones."

"Oh. Must be dog lovers."

"You could say that."

***

Amy ran back to the ship on all fours, sacrificing all pretense of civilization in exchange for the added speed and agility it gave her.

Unfortunately, the dogs were just a bit faster, and it was only a few minutes later that they had her surrounded. Thinking quickly, Amy called up all her strength for one desperate leap into the branches of a nearby tree. She climbed up as far as she could, as the dogs surrounded the trunk on all sides, growling.

_When I get back to the ship, _though Amy, _I am going to claw Leela's eye out._

***

"It's been five hours, Leela! She should have been back by now!"

_He's right, Leela. Enough is enough. You really should go and pick her up._

"Okay, Fry. Grab yourself a weapon and let's go."

They headed directly to the armory, each grabbing a Kill-O-Zap™ Blast-o-Matic® laser pistol ("Vaporize your friends the Kill-O-Zap™ way!"). Just as they were about to leave, the hatch opened on its own.

_Uh oh, _Leela thought.

Standing in the entranceway was Amy, top gone, pants shredded, snarling.

"Oh, good! You're all right! I was worr-"

"_Bi zui!_You knew exactly what would happen to me, didn't you! This whole trip was a set-up!"

"Set-up?" Fry said, confused.

"Did this... _jian__ huo _here happen to tell you just what kind of creatures inhabit this planet? Well, let me fill you in. Dogs. Big, huge, vicious dogs twice my size. I  had to throw my top at them to get them off my tail." She glared at Leela. "And you knew all about it, didn't you? I could have been killed, you _ho zi de pi gu!_"

_I bet that means something bad, _Leela mused. "I... fine! Yeah, I did this to get back at you for yesterday! It wasn't supposed to go this far! I'm sorry ab-"

"Yeah, you're sorry all right... a sorry excuse for a captain! Maybe I should tell Hermes what you did, hmmm? I'm sure he'll be really pleased you used company property for a stupid prank!" With that, she stormed off toward the aft compartment.

Fry scowled at Leela. "I can't believe you'd do something like that! I'd expect it from Bender, sure, but you've never been the kind of person who does this kind of thing!"

"I know, I know..."

"I mean it! I can't believe it! I've lost 4% of my respect for you." he said, walking off.

"Oh, lord, I've stepped in it now. Can't believe I let that one loss get to me like this."

_Oh, come off it, Leela, _said her wiser inner voice. _You know and I know that the fight had nothing to do with any of this._

"Oh, really? Then what did?"

_You know._

"No, I don't. Enlighten me, why don't you?"

_You know that you know, Leela. Stop lying to yourself._

"*sigh* Okay, fine... I'm jealous! There, I said it! I am jealous of Amy spending so much time with Fry!"

There, she'd finally said it. 

"Now what?"

_Don't look at me. I'm just the annoyingly smarter version of you inside your head._

Amy came storming back in. "And another thing..."

"You're absolutely right, what I did was horribly childish, and I deserve whatever I get."

"Um...  okay..." Amy seemed taken aback by Leela's confession. Her anger seemed to just dissipate. "Uh... well, I guess I don't have to tell Hermes... Leela? What was this whole thing really about? It can't just be the fight..."

"I'd rather not say..."

"Is it the fur I've been leaving in the decontamination shower drain?"

"No, not that... it's well... Amy, what I'm about to say goes no further than this room."

"Fl'okay. Shoot."

"I'm jealous of you."

"Hey, if that's all, we could just repeat the accident..."

"No, not of your cat-ness! Jealous of all the time you've been spending with Fry."

"Oh? You should've just said so! Leela, there's NOTHING going on between us at all!"

"Oh."

A pregnant pause.

"I feel stupid now."

"Don't. My cat-ness makes me overly affectionate, and that's what threw you. Probably."

Another pause.

"Are we friends again?" asked Amy.

"It looks that way, yeah."

Yet another pause.

"Well, now what?" asked Leela.

"What we have to do is set things right with Fry."

"All right, but he's kind of mad at me right now. You go get him."

"We'll both go get him."

The two headed toward the crew quarters and arrived at the door of the room Fry usually shared with Bender. What they found was a note taped to the door.

"Dear Leela and Amy", it said. "By the time you read this, I will be gone. I've screwed things up for all of us, and now I have to set things right. I'll explain once I;ve sorted it all out. Love, Fry."

"He does realize we're on a starship in the middle of deep space, right?" asked Leela.

In response, there came a banging on the airlock door. The two women opened it to find a frantic-looking Fry fall out of it.

"Well, that didn't work. I guess we'll just go to plan B where I say "I can explain..."

TO BE CONTINUED!!!


	5. The Petaway

Chapter 5: The Petaway

"Well, that didn't work. I guess we'll just go to plan B where I say 'I can explain...'"

Fry gathered his thoughts. _I can explain. Sure. How can I explain?_

"Okay... it all started when...

* * *

"...and that's what happened."

"So... you're basically saying that you prostituted yourself out to Morgan Proctor so that she'd push Amy's application through?" Leela replied, with a disgusted look.

"I think I prefer the term 'man-whore'. It sounds sleazier. If you don't want me to date you anymore in my imagination, I'll understand."

Leela mulled this for a moment. "Well... what you did was really, really degrading... but I guess you did it for a noble reason."

"For me," Amy added. "I can't believe you'd lower yourself like that on my behalf! That's so repulsive and sweet!"

"Not that it matters. After I did it, she decided not to go through with the bargain."

Amy's hackles rose. "She did WHAT? _Biao-tze!_ I'll rip her intestines out and fangoriously devour them!"

"Amy..." Leela interjected, "...how about we find some way to deal with this that doesn't involve eating her?"

"Fine," the cat-intern replied. "We'll do it the boring way."

* * *

Soon, back at Planet Express, the three were discussing possible solutions.

"The way I see it," said Leela, "is that if we somehow find Amy's application, Hermes, being a higher-ranking bureaucrat, can stamp and approve it."

"Yeah," Amy replied, "but it's probably buried in that huge pile in the Central Bureaucracy. We'd never be able to get to it."

Fry, meanwhile, was busy scribbling down his thoughts furiously. Suddenly, the delivery boy perked up. "I think I have something!" he shouted.

"...Of course!" Leela replied. "We mount a daring break-in into the Central Bureaucracy and retrieve the application!"

"Exactly! That's exactly what I was gonna say!" responded Fry, hastily hiding his crude drawing of Superman reversing the Earth's rotation.

"We're going to need more than just the three of us, though," said Amy. "But who..."

"Did someone say 'daring break-in'?" came a familiar robotic voice. "'Cause I'm SO there."

"Bender. Perfect. The four of us should be enough," said Leela.

"Great!" said Fry. "Now let's seal the deal by putting our hands on top of each other for no reason!"

They did so, and then headed for the door. Unfortunately, Hermes had chosen that time to return from his 4:20 "coffee" break.

"Where are ya honkies sneakin' off to?" the Jamaican inquired. "Work doesn't end for another four hours!"

"Daring break-in at the Central Bureaucracy, sir," Fry answered.

"Sweet red-throated nuthatch of Dogpatch!" exclaimed Hermes. "You're actually considerin' breakin' into da Central Bureaucracy without a planning session? Are ya out of your thousand-year-old skull? Dat's it! Staff meeting! Right now!"

* * *

The entire staff was now gathered around the conference table: Fry, Leela, Bender, Amy, Dr. Zoidberg, Hermes, Professor Farnsworth, Scruffy, and the company's most recent acquisition, Robot 1X.

"This is madness, do you hear me?" exclaimed the Professor. "No one has ever entered the Central Bureaucracy and lived to tell the tale! No one! Ever!"

"What the hell are you talkin' about?" asked Bender. "We did it that time my brain got lost! And again that time you wanted to install a bottom in the bottomless pit and needed the permits! And a third time for Barbecue-and-Notarization Wednesday!"

"Ah, yes," reminisced Zoidberg. "What a day that was. Or so you told me when I was picked up from the kennel."

"Stop reminding me of things, damn it!" the Professor demanded. "Senility's no fun if you remember it!"

"Scruffy has a plan," drawled the janitor. "When Scruffy was the janitor at the Central Bureaucracy, Scruffy found a hidden entrance that led to an abandoned subway tunnel in Old New York. We can use that there entrance to get in unseen."

"Great!" Amy replied. "Then what?"

"I'm on break," answered Scruffy, taking out a copy of _Playsentient. _This wasn't an unexpected thing, so nobody would've reacted, except for what was on the cover.

"_Ai ya..._ that's ME!" shrieked Amy.

Sure enough, the cover, next to a blurb reading "HERE, KITTY KITTY! New New York's Most Fabulous Furries!", sported a picture of the mutated intern, dozing peacefully in the nude.

"I didn't know you were gonna be in this month's issue," commented Fry. "If I had, I would've bought a copy... you know, for support."

"I didn't know!" answered Amy. "I don't know how they could've gotten those pictures, unless..."

"Bender!" Leela announced. "Okay, I saw you activating your Nonchalant Mode... "

"M'lady, I have no idea what you're yammerin' about."

"We'll deal with you later, Bender. Luckily, this break-in is more important, and like it or not, you're great at break-ins."

"We've still got one major problem," announced Hermes. "According to the Clooney Addendum to Sinatra's Law, we need eleven people for a break-in. So far, we only have ten... myself, Fry, Leela, Bender, Amy, the Professor, Zoidebrg, Scruffy, 1X, and Katrina... if she ever gets here."

"Wait, wait!" came a tiny voice. Katrina, Planet Express's diminutive Pixinian receptionist, came fluttering up on her little diaphanous wings. "Sorry... it's a long way from the lobby. What were we talking about?"

The others quickly filled the pixie in on the situation.

"You'll be our scout, of course," Leela told the tiny creature. Pixinians had a number of remarkable abilities, not the least of which included invisibility and telepathy. These qualities would make Katrina an excellent advance scout for the group.

"None of this matters if we can't get an eleventh!" reminded Hermes.

"Does it really matter if we don't have eleven?" asked Leela.

"Does it matter? DOES IT MATTER!" cried Hermes. "We're talking bureaucratic regulations older than time itself! If we can't get the final member, I have no choice but to refuse permission."

"Looks like I arrived just in time, then."

Eight-and-a-half pairs of eyes, and one sensor-screen, whirled towards the room's entrance.

"Kiffy?"

"I found out about your condition through Zapp's websurfing habits and..." he glanced over at Scruffy, "magazine subscriptions. My love... if you think you need to hide your new form from be, rest assured that I would sooner die than forsake you!"

"Oh, Kif, that's so sweet!" The feline girl bounded across the table and pounced on the amphibian, showering him with kisses, causing him to get flustered and reflexively camouflage himself. "Er, uh... ehm..." he sputtered.

"For goodness sake, Amy, don't hurt him, we need him!" exhorted Leela.

"Oh, sorry," she answered, blushing under her fur. "I just get a little over-stimulated sometimes."

"Now then," Leela said, "here's what we do..."

* * *

_Old New York_

_32nd St. and 6th Ave. subway station_

"Boy, this place brings back memories," sighed Fry. "Over there's where I was attacked by Asian Israeli Guy. And that's where me an' Michelle were serenaded by Naked Singing Construction Worker."

"Then... the legends of the Naked Village People...?" asked Leela.

"All too true," answered Fry.

"The secret entrance were here," Scruffy drawled, moving aside an ancient, decayed _Adult Swim _poster.

Bender regarded the ad. "Jeez. Humans back then were even uglier'n I thought. An' is that supposed to be a robot? Look at that thing. I don't look like that."

"And this box of fries with a face on it takes like old paper!" complained Zoidberg.

"You guys, can we step this up?" whined Amy. "All this dankness is matting my fur!"

"Fine," Leela said, taking the lead as she pulled the poster off the wall. "I'm guessing it's behind this grate."

"Hmmm..." the professor muttered to himself. "It seems to be made of metal. Metal which needs to be bent to be removed. If only there was some way that could be done..." Everyone groaned.

Once Bender had removed the grate, the group crawled through the small tunnel, Katrina in the lead, scouting.

About twenty feet out, the tunnel opened up into a large sewer pipe. "Okay... we should be okay from this point on, unless we run into something like giant rats."

A beat.

"There's a whole bunch of them right behind me, isn't there."

The swarm of rats attacked en masse. Each one was the size of a large dog, and there were about a dozen of them. As they closed in, Amy felt her primal instincts take over.

The world seemed to fade into a reddish blur in her mind... when the world faded back in, she found herself staring at a huge pile of dead rat carcasses.

"Wow," Bender said admiringly. "Mindless savagery. Now that's somethin' I can respect."

"What?" said Amy, coming to her senses. "Whoa. I kinda lost it there." She stared at the rat corpses lying around. "Did I do that?"

"You sure did," answered Zoidberg. "Question... are you going to eat those?"

* * *

After several hours of wandering, the group finally arrived at the secret entrance.

"Welp... this're the place." Scruffy announced.

Before they could actually, reach the door, however, there was a burst of flame. A man in a grey robe, with a long flowing white beard, appeared in front of it.

"Halt!" he declared. "None of you shall pass by me, unless you answer these riddles three!"

"Oh, crickets," muttered Scruffy. "Security been updated."

"Relax," said Fry, self-assured. "I'll handle this."

"Oh, Jah, we're doomed," groaned Hermes.

"All right, Mr... Riddle Guy. Give me your best shot."

"Very well. Riddle the fi-"

"The letter E, nothing, and man."

"What? But that's impossi—how did you –" He sighed. "You may pass." He stepped aside, and the door swung open.

"That was amazing, Fry," Leela gushed. "How on Earth did you know?"

"It was easy," the delivery boy replied. "Every cartoon fan knows that these guys always ask the same riddles."

"Oh, lord," Leela groaned.

* * *

Inside, the Central bureaucracy was a maze of endless hallways of filing drawers, thrown together with no rhyme or reason. Here and there, bureaucrats drifted by on their slow-cycles, crawling at speeds so low that it almost looked like they were going backwards. Here and there, signs pointed out the direction to each section; unfortunately, each sign seemed to contradict the others.

"Well, this is pointless," declared Bender. "We ain't findin' squat in this place Oh, well, no point leavin' empty-handed," he said as he shoved a Grade 43 off his slow-cycle. "Hey, sexy mama," he said, stroking the vehicle. "What say you n' me find a nice quiet place and get acquainted?"

"Never fear," the Professor said, reaching into his lab coat. "For no good reason, I brought along my latest invention, the 'Where Is' machine."

"That sounds ideal," said Leela. "How does it work?"

"Using the powers of probability and quantum mechanics, plus a generous helping of unicorn blood, this device can locate anything anywhere in the universe. Simply describe the object you want to locate, and the 'Where Is' machine will pinpoint it with a 3-foot margin of error." He held it out to Amy. "Just speak into this receiver here."

"Okay," Amy replied, leaning in. "Uh... one Application for Recognition as an Intelligent Life Form, signed by Amelia Wong."

"WORKING" the device responded. After a minute or so, the machine said "OBJECT FOUND." Its display showed a blinking green light... on a map of the entire universe.

"We, ah, might want to zoom in more," suggested Kif.

"Oh, yes, of course," answered the Professor. "Increase magnification to 1 billion."

This time, the machine only displayed the entire Milky Way Galaxy.

"This may take a while," remarked the Professor.

* * *

After some time, they finally narrowed it down to a corridor in the northwest wing of the complex. The course plotted out would take almost 16 hours to traverse.

"Well, we'd better get moving," Leela said. "We didn't really bring any provisions."

"In the event of imminent starvation, I am capable of converting human urine into a refreshing fruit-flavored beverage," reported 1X.

"We'll, ah, keep it in mind."

* * *

The next twelve hours passed pretty uneventfully. Eventually, the group reached the northwest wing. Unfortunately, the door was locked.

Hermes eyed the lock, and sighed. "Only Grade-23s and up can open this lock."

"From the outside, maybe," Leela commented. "There's an air shaft up there that probably has an opening on the other side. If someone could get through that, they could let us in."

"Ain't happenin', beeflump," scoffed Bender. "That vent's a hundred feet up. Ain't no way any of us could get up there."

"Er, um... ahem... er..."

"Ya got somethin' to say, lizard-boy? I need to know so I c'n ignore it."

"Well, ehm, my people are capable of scaling any surface... I, ah, could go up there..."

"Oh, Kiffy, you're so versatile!" gushed Amy, squeezing the alien so hard that his head inflated.

"Er, hem, eh... gosh," he said. "Well, uh, here I go." He pulled off his boots and gloves and shimmied up the wall.

"You can do it!" cheered his cat-amour. Kif's camouflage "blushing" once again kicked in before he resumed his wall-crawl and wriggled in through the vent.

"Hmmph," scoffed Katrina. "I could've done that."

After a few moments, the door slid open.

"Looks like he did it!" Fry shouted.

That's when a hail of razor-sharp paperclips flew through the door, thunking into the opposite wall. Leela examined the projectiles. "Shuriklips. The calling card of the Order of Section C Paragraph A!"

With a howl, a small army of ninjas somersaulted out, surrounding the gang.

The leader (so designated by the stripes on his tie) faced Leela. "This far you can go. No further."

"Really," she replied. Because I HI-YAH!" The leader was caught off-guard as Leela somersaulted at him, grabbing his neck with her legs and flipping him. The others focused their attention on her, which turned out to be a very bad idea. Leela was easily able to best every one of them.

"That was the sorriest excuse for ninja-ing I have ever seen," Leela said scornfully.

"Uh... we're not really ninjas," said the leader. "We're just looking for the Federal Department of Ninjitsu and Shadow-Death to get our ninja license."

"Then... why did you attack us?" asked Hermes.

"We thought that was part of the exam," another of the "ninjas" answered.

"Er... is it safe yet?" asked Kif, peering around the corner of the exit.

* * *

"Here we are," Hermes announced, "the master pile."

"Well," came a voice, "I was wondering when all of you would show up." A chair rotated, revealing Morgan stroking a white angora cat. "I believe you're looking for this?" she asked, holding a tube.

"Hey!" yelled Amy. "You can't hold my life hostage like that!"

"I'm a bureaucrat," said Morgan. "I can do whatever I want, to the extent my rank allows me. Now, take one step closer, and I'll press the tube's 'mangle' button."

"We appear to be at an impasse," Bender intoned. "Welp, we tried. Let's go get drunk."

"No way!" Fry declared. "We came all this way, and I'm not giving up! I've given up on ever being smart, or successful, or smart, but I'm not giving up on this!" With that, he grabbed Kif by the arm and swung him at Morgan. The momentum, combined with Kif's body's natural elasticity, easily allowed the lieutenant to clear the distance. Morgan, her structured bureaucrat mind unable to process such a bizarre tactic, was frozen with indecision.

"Kif, get the tube!" shouted Amy.

"Uh, ah, yes, okay," he said, snatching it just as he snapped back.

Morgan snapped out of her fugue. "That's it! There's no way you're leaving alive!" She slammed her fist down on the lockdown button. "There! The forms I need to fill out to put this installation on full lockdown are on their way to the printer queue even as we speak! In about 72 hours or so, no one will be able to get in or out of here!"

"Yeah," said Bender as the group began to walk out. "You get right on that."

* * *

"An' with da fift' stamp... you're officially recognized as a member of a sentient species!" declared Hermes.

"Yay!" cheered Amy. "I can move back into my apartment!"

"Aww... I was kinda getting used to having you around," said Fry. "Y'know, you don't have to le-"

"Hey," interrupted Leela, "what say we all help Amy move back to her own apartment?"

"You guys... you've all been wonderful. Thanks, all of you, for helping me get my life back." She hugged each one in succession.

"At last," Zoidberg said, "Zoidberg is getting in on some group hug action!"

"Actually... I don't remember you doing anything. Sorry," she said, passing by him.

"Awww," the crustacean moaned.

"Just kidding," she said, tackling him.

"Hooray! I'm recognized! ...wait, why with the sniffing me?"

"What? I'm not sniffing you... I mean, yeah, you smell delicious, and I haven't eaten in a while... and..." She licked her lips.

"Enough with the recognition, I'm outta here!" Zoidberg said, inking the feline and scuttling away, whooping.

_Well, that's Chapter 5! Sorry it took me over a year to do it. I kinda lost all interest in finishing the story a while back, but I decided you deserved some closure. I may do one more chapter, titled "Cat Scratch Fever", but don't expect it for a while._


End file.
